How to Know a Person by David Brooks
$7.99
How to Know a Person
- The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen
- By: David Brooks
- Narrated by: David Brooks
- Length: 7 hrs and 27 mins
- Categories: Politics & Social Sciences
Publisher's summary
NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER • A practical, heartfelt guide to the art of truly knowing another person in order to foster deeper connections at home, at work, and throughout our lives—from the author of The Road to Character and The Second Mountain As David Brooks observes, “There is one skill that lies at the heart of any healthy person, family, school, community organization, or society: the ability to see someone else deeply and make them feel seen—to accurately know another person, to let them feel valued, heard, and understood.” And yet we humans don’t do this well. All around us are people who feel invisible, unseen, misunderstood. In How to Know a Person, Brooks sets out to help us do better, posing questions that are essential for all of us: If you want to know a person, what kind of attention should you cast on them? What kind of conversations should you have? What parts of a person’s story should you pay attention to? Driven by his trademark sense of curiosity and his determination to grow as a person, Brooks draws from the fields of psychology and neuroscience and from the worlds of theater, philosophy, history, and education to present a welcoming, hopeful, integrated approach to human connection. How to Know a Person helps readers become more understanding and considerate toward others, and to find the joy that comes from being seen. Along the way it offers a possible remedy for a society that is riven by fragmentation, hostility, and misperception. The act of seeing another person, Brooks argues, is profoundly creative: How can we look somebody in the eye and see something large in them, and in turn, see something larger in ourselves? How to Know a Person is for anyone searching for connection, and yearning to be understood.
©2023 David Brooks (P)2023 Random House Audio
Adam Shields
A book he was ready to write
Summary: If we want to address the crisis of loneliness and the lack of community in American society, we need to learn how to listen and know others.
Both of David Brooks’ last two books I had decided not to read, and then I changed my mind once I read reviews of them. But both of them had significant weaknesses, and Brooks was not yet ready to write either book. He wrote the books because he was an author and because writing and research are part of how he processes his own issues. He published because he was on deadline, not because he was really finished processing them. Because of this history, I again did not intend to pick up How to Know a Person. But again, I was drawn to them because of two podcasts. Curt Thompson interviewed him on Faith Angle. And then, more personally, he was interviewed by his real-life friend Kate Bowler on her podcast Everything Happens. These are very different podcasts. Curt Thompson is a Psychiatrist who has written about spiritual formation, the soul, shame, and neuroscience. That conversation is more about the technical issues of friendship, what relationships do for us, and why we need them. But it is easy to tell that Kate and David are not just acquaintances but actual friends who really do get together regularly. They talked about calling one another and going over to each other’s homes to talk when needed. And that very personal conversation showed the aspect of how David has put into practice what he has been writing about for the past decade. That “putting into practice what he has been learning” which made me want to pick up How to Know a Person.
How to Know a Person has a mix of scientific research about how to listen, seek out friends, and why that is important. But the emotional center of the book is the three chapters telling the story of the suicide of David’s oldest friend a few years ago. The main chapter is a revision of an essay he wrote not too long after the suicide. He grappled with that suicide and told the story of his friend’s depression and how he tried to help. The two additional chapters are about what he learned afterward about depression and suicide and what advice he would have now for those who are either grappling with depression and suicide or those who have loved ones who are. All of these chapters are well-written, careful, and helpful. There is no silver bullet, but some things may be helpful.
Even if suicide or depression are not a concern for you and those around you, this is a helpful book that will have to be put into practice to be helpful. It is not a “three simple steps to be a better person” book. But a framing of how he understands the world to work, along with some advice about how to approach life so that you have a better chance of being a good friend and having good friends.
How to Be a Better Person is not a perfect book, but it feels like a book he was fully ready to write, unlike the previous two. As a spiritual director who spends much time in one-on-one conversations about intense and personal things, I found the advice and approach helpful. It is a book that I would recommend to most people, especially if you spend much time in conversation or would like to spend more time in conversation.
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Note on the narration: I am a big fan of authors reading their own work, especially if they are someone whose voice is well known. This is well narrated and he does a good job of communicating the emotion and earnestness of the book’s topic in a helpful way that doesn’t become pedantic or cloying. It was very well done.
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